When it comes to fixing a marriage after infidelity…
…it is important to first and foremost make sure you’re both on the same page with this ONE truth before you do absolutely anything else:
Forgiveness is one-sided.
Reconciliation is two-sided.
Before you ever attempt to put a whole lot of effort into healing your marriage and trying to rebuild it and make it work, again, you need to agree that even if you are both able to forgive for the events of the affair and what led up to it, it will also take BOTH of you to be all in and fully committed reconciling and repairing your marriage. If you’re not on the same page with that, unfortunately you won’t get anywhere moving forward. The goal of your rebuilding journey ISN’T just to arrive at forgiving, but to reach far beyond that into changing your habits and behaviors to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
IT TAKES TWO.
The next step is to focus on rebuilding trust in your relationship. We always say that you “earn trust in drops, but it is lost in buckets”. When a marriage has experienced an affair, all the trust built in that marriage is dumped out and must be re-built and re-earned again… like slow drops in a bucket. So, no matter what side of the table you’re on, here’s what you do now:
If you HAD the affair:
-Make a choice and commit to it now; are you all in or out? Don’t drag your spouse through more pain if you aren’t sure. It’s time for you to work your ass off and make real change in yourself and your marriage.
-Cut off all contact with your lover. Period. If you can’t do that, then please let go and set your spouse free now. You can’t be in two relationships at the same time.
-Become devoted to rebuilding trust by initiating our ONLINE AFFAIR RECOVERY COURSE
-Hand over your passwords to your spouse and ask for accountability.
-Be patient with your spouse as they work through forgiving you. It’s not an overnight process.
-Initiate emotional connection every single day.
-Work on yourself. This means journal, read books, listen to podcasts, exercise, watch our videos, get a life coach or therapist on your team, consult a professional or a pastor for any spiritual or tough questions you have. Put all your “stuff” on the table right now and work it out, step by step.
If YOUR SPOUSE had the affair:
-Be patient; just like it will take time to forgive your spouse, it will take your spouse time to change.
-Don’t expect perfection, instead, look for consistent progress. That’s the key.
-Choose forgiveness. You will truly feel so much peace when you choose to rid yourself of anger and bitterness.
-Own your part: No one is perfect so look for what you can apologize for. Your tone? Your body language? Emotional neglect? Busyness? Constant sexual rejection? Only you know the answer to this, but own what you’re responsible for.
-Work on yourself. Self-aware people make the healthiest spouses. While your spouse is working on their own stuff, take the time to work on you. We all can grow in some way.
Where to START:
We have an Online Affair Recovery Course that you can work through together (or individually) at your own pace. As you work through our course, we also recommend seeing a marriage therapist once a week that specializes in rebuilding after an affair. Work through our material in between sessions and communicate with your therapist weekly where you’re at, what you’ve learned, what progress you’ve made, and where your stuck. This system will offer you the tools and accountability to keep you on track and get you to where you want to be: connected and together.