You Didn’t Get to Choose Your Parents
If you’ve ever wondered about the signs your parents failed you, it often starts with recognizing just how much your childhood shaped you.
You didn’t get to choose your parents. What you were dealt is what you were stuck with.
You’ll often hear people say, “Your parents did the best they could with the skills and insecurities they had.” Maybe that’s true for some parents. But I’m not convinced it’s true for all of them.
Sometimes I think we say that because it helps us cope. It helps us keep our parents in our lives. It helps us move toward forgiveness.
And to be clear, forgiving your parents is incredibly important for your own peace and happiness. But forgiveness doesn’t require pretending.
We don’t have to minimize what happened.
We don’t have to pretend their behavior didn’t hurt us.
And we certainly don’t have to act like our childhood didn’t shape who we are today.
Because whether we like it or not, the way you were raised is directly impacting how you show up in your marriage.
1. They Never Checked In on Your Emotions
If you were sad, anxious, angry, or overwhelmed—and no one ever asked what was going on—you likely grew up without learning how to process your emotions.
No one sat with you.
No one asked deeper questions.
No one helped you name what you were feeling.
This is what’s often called childhood emotional neglect, and it shows up in adulthood more than people realize.
You might notice things like:
- Saying “I don’t know” when someone asks how you feel
- Avoiding emotional conversations
- Feeling overwhelmed by emotions you can’t explain
- Shutting down during conflict
This was my husband Casey’s childhood. His mom has been married six times. There were constant changes—new homes, new stepdads, new schools, new rules.
But not once did anyone sit him down and ask how he was doing with all of it.
When we first got married, I would ask him how something made him feel. His response? “I don’t know.” And he wasn’t being difficult. He genuinely didn’t know.
No one had ever helped him build emotional awareness. No one had modeled it.
Over time, he learned. But it took intentional work.
2. They Had a Perfectionist, “Everything Is Fine” Mentality
Some families live behind a carefully curated facade.
In public, everything looks perfect. But behind closed doors, it’s a completely different story.
Maybe your parent was kind, friendly, and charming with everyone else. But at home they yelled, raged, shut down, gossiped, or had emotional outbursts.
The message becomes clear: image matters more than authenticity.
This was my experience growing up. My mom could be warm and loving to everyone around us. But inside the house there were yelling matches, emotional shutdowns, gossip, and adult tantrums.
It was exhausting trying to maintain the illusion that our family had it all together when we clearly didn’t.
When you grow up in that environment, it can shape you in two very different ways.
Some people follow in their parents’ footsteps:
They keep up appearances.
They protect the image of the “perfect” family at all costs.
Others (like me) go the opposite direction:
They crave authenticity.
Real conversations.
Honest struggles.
If anything, I used to swing too far the other way. I could be brutally honest and overshare because I was so tired of being fake.
Because living a double life is exhausting. Eventually the truth comes out anyway.
3. Conflict Meant Yelling, Intimidation, and Chaos
In some homes, conflict isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s terrifying.
Instead of healthy disagreement, arguments involve yelling, cussing, intimidation, or even abuse. Sometimes alcohol is involved. Emotions spiral out of control.
And what’s missing?
Repair.
No apologies.
No forgiveness.
No calm conversations afterward.
Just rupture after rupture after rupture.
When you grow up witnessing that kind of conflict, it deeply shapes how you handle disagreements as an adult.
Usually people go one of two directions.
Some repeat what they saw:
They yell.
They get combative.
They escalate quickly.
Others go the opposite direction:
They shut down.
They withdraw.
They become extremely sensitive to raised voices.
We once coached a couple where the wife grew up with two alcoholic parents. Her childhood was full of shouting and explosive fights.
She ended up marrying a very large, very loud man. He was actually a giant teddy bear—kind, loving, and safe.
But he naturally had a loud, booming voice.
Even small moments of raised volume triggered her nervous system. Her body reacted as if danger was coming, even though it wasn’t.
Your childhood doesn’t disappear when you become an adult. It often shows up right in the middle of your marriage.
A Challenge for You
This isn’t just about identifying what went wrong.
It’s about what you do next.
Ask yourself:
What have you done with the emotional baggage your parents handed you?
Have you forgiven them?
Do you still live in a victim mindset?
Have you had an honest conversation with them?
Are you repeating the same behaviors you grew up with?
Awareness is powerful – but awareness alone isn’t enough.
If this resonates with you, it may be time to go deeper.
Casey and I recorded a two-part podcast episode called “7 Signs Your Parents Failed You.” In it, we unpack this topic even further and share practical next steps for healing and growth.
Understanding how your childhood shaped you is the first step. But real change happens when you begin building emotional awareness, healthier communication, and better conflict patterns in your marriage.
Because once you see the pattern, you can choose something different.
You can listen to this podcast for free inside our Marriage365 membership. 👉 Download our free Marriage365 app and become a member today!
Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in sunny Southern California with her husband Casey, their two children, and dog Hobie. She loves her family, the beach, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life long dream is to live with the Amish for a month, walk the Camino, and have lunch with Brené Brown.
