8 years into our marriage things were rough and we decided to separate, finding ourselves ‘flying by the seat of our pants’ as we navigated separation. Luckily we knew quickly this was not what we wanted and were able to begin working through this time and reconciled 13 months later.

Since we joined Marriage365 literally EVERYTHING has changed. Neither of us had the greatest examples growing up. Tristan was raised by a single mom and I came from a blended family. We were never shown the behind-the-scenes hard parts of marriage and had no idea how to work through them.

Our communication with each other and with others is so much better. All of these tools help us on a daily basis. The way we treat and talk to each other, we are modeling and teaching our kids healthy behaviors.

We love the Connecting Questions and that after 21 years together we still have things to talk about and connect on. Before Marriage365 we had been on auto-pilot for so long – and realized nobody was driving anymore. We are aware of this, we’re afraid of this, and we never want to go back there. I like that your videos are about things you and Casey have gone through, and when it’s not you bring in an expert to walk you through it. I also really like it when Casey films a video because I like getting a man’s point of view. It helps me understand where Tristan is coming from.

When we’re watching a video, Casey will say something and Tristan will say that is exactly what he’s thinking but has a hard time putting into words. He will literally pause the video and tell me – there – that’s what I’m feeling.

Be patient, change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s OK to mess up. Even though we know how to communicate and apologize for the most part, we still mess up. We don’t always apologize correctly and we don’t always communicate in love – and that’s OK as long as we recognize it and make changes the next time. 

“We get to reap the rewards of the hard work and time we’ve put in. Our divorces motivate us to keep making time for our marriage and our growth.”

The biggest thing membership has done for me is give me a voice to express myself. I’m an introvert and typically would bottle things up, and when I would try to say something it would come out sounding angry. I’ve learned how to express my feelings in a way that Jovette understands and I don’t sound, look, or feel ugly. I’ve learned how to communicate in a healthy and effective way.

We’re not going to change each other – we’re going to adapt! We both come from a line of divorces he calls “generational curses” and because of that, we want to be the healthiest people we can be so that this marriage lasts forever.

We love the challenges, the intentional focus on one another is fantastic… It might take us 20 days to complete a 10-day challenge but that’s what works for us. I also do well with the 3-part learning that comes from the videos – watching the video, reading the connecting questions, and talking them through with David.

Here’s what we think… choose your hard: Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. If a person says they don’t have time they are feeding themselves lies. It either means they have already given up or they believe the fight is too hard.

Before Marriage365 we were having the toughest time sticking to our date nights. Why? Because we didn’t make them a priority.

USE.YOUR.MEMBERSHIP. – as much as you can. To say “my marriage is fine” is a lie. If you can’t hang out with your spouse, your marriage is NOT fine! We’re not looking to be perfect, we’re just looking to have a good time and enjoy one another. There is ALWAYS room for growth… all you have to do is be willing and open to making time for it. 

When Carly first asked me if I would watch a video with her, I really didn’t want to.

I’m a Captain and Commanding Officer in the Marines and did my job supporting the family, and therefore I thought we were good – weren’t we??? I mean we weren’t bad. When I saw that membership is not like therapy and it’s so real and relatable… that’s when I started participating. And I learned that even though we are good, we could always be better.

There aren’t many careers that require the spouse to be gone for long periods of time as the military does, and that puts a strain on the marriage. The result is MISCOMMUNICATION  and MISUNDERSTANDINGS! The spouse who is home definitely does way more than the one on assignment and that gets overlooked. When I’m gone I can have a phone call with Carly, but then after that, I have a job to do and I can’t think about what is going on at home. Poor Carly is left to take care of everything from beginning to end.

Since we joined Marriage365, we have both opened up with each other and are able to communicate where we normally wouldn’t have or would just move on without discussing how we are feeling. The KNOWN position that you teach has been a game-changer for us too!

Our favorite things about membership are…

• The amount of resources available – so many topics for all couples.
• Love Language Challenge – This has helped us so much to understand the difference between how we show love versus how someone wants to receive love.
• The content is so relatable – I know we’ve already said that, but it really is!
• The shorter videos – sometimes we just want a quick listen in the evening, not something long or heavy.

If you want your marriage to work, then work on it! – Jeramie Connor

So I joined membership by myself, not because there was marriage trouble but because I love self-help. I believe in learning as much as possible and modeling what I have learned. I have been diligent in learning and demonstrating the 4-Step Apology with him – and not too long ago out of nowhere, he gave one to me. Without even watching the video, he had learned from my example how to give one.

One of the most helpful things I have learned is how to look at my husband through eyes of compassion. I’ve chosen to do this. I want to understand why he does what he does. I am so much less reactive and defensive too. I get why he doesn’t want to do membership with me, and I don’t shame him for that – that would just push him away.

If you’re struggling in your marriage, here’s what I would say… Learn how you show up in your marriage and put the responsibility on yourself for change. Stop expecting your spouse to change, it’s about YOU. Don’t put expectations on your spouse, put them on yourself.

My marriage has changed in so many ways I didn’t expect. I have changed in ways I didn’t expect. I have learned to accept my weaknesses and be OK with them. I have learned how to be empathetic. I have learned how to listen and how to ask more questions. I’ve learned to appreciate the fact that my husband and I are opposites and to love those qualities that make us different. I used to be very defensive. Old me would have snapped at something my husband would question or ask – “new membership me” will ask him what am I doing that made you feel that way. There is no more blame ping-pong. We can have conversations that are NOT rooted in blame, defensiveness, and arguing.