I’m just going to get real with you:
I can’t tell you how many times sex has been ruined for me because I’m stuck in my head. SEXpectations are very real and if they are left unexplored or unspoken, they can be dangerous for your sex life, or worse… they can end up hurting your spouse and your marriage. If you’re stuck in your head and have sexpectations that are keeping you from being fully engaged sexually or emotionally, then here are 3 things you can to do help:
1. Have a Naked Conversation
If you fake it you are only hurting yourself. For you and your partner to resume having satisfying sexual experiences together that connect the two of you… you have to be emotionally vulnerable and share that you are struggling. Your partner may have absolutely no idea you are feeling stuck… or they may have been keeping to themselves how stuck they feel, too. Either way, you have to talk it out. A conversation like this is particularly delicate, so approach it that way.
If you need a little bit of help starting, try saying something like this: “Baby, I love you so much and I want you to know that making time for sex is really important to me and I love getting to be close to you that way. Lately, I’ve been feeling stuck sexually and I was wondering if we could have an open conversation about our sex life? I want to work through where I’m struggling so that we can be even closer and both feel pleasure and connection.”
Then… share your heart. The goal of this conversation is connection, so make sure that you are straightforward, but also gentle. For example… instead of saying “You’re not pleasuring me or making me feel good,” say, “It makes me feel so loved when you try new things in bed because it makes me feel like you care about pleasing me. However, the last position you tried was challenging for me; can we think of something new to try together?”
2. Spice it up!
Sometimes all you need to spice up your sex life is to try something new! So buy some new toys, new lingerie, try a new room in the house, or maybe try a different position together. Ask each other open-ended questions about some fantasies either of you may have, or about what you can do to take the heat to the next level. Sometimes all it takes to get out of your own head is to put all of your focus on your partner and pleasuring them is a great way to do that!
3. Make connection the goal…not an orgasm!
It is really easy to only focus on is bringing your spouse (or yourself) to orgasm. So here’s a perspective-changer…the true goal of sex should be a deeper connection with each other. If that’s the goal and focus of your experience, then an orgasm will be a much-welcomed bi-product of your intimate time together and it will come much more naturally. So relax and melt into each other. Focus on eye contact and being present in the moment. Try to connect heart-to-heart and not just skin-to-skin. Once you do, you’ll find that sex becomes more what you’re looking for and less what you’re afraid of.
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Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in sunny Southern California with her husband Casey, their two children, and dog Hobie. She loves her family, the beach, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her lifelong dream is to live with the Amish for a month, walk the Camino, and have lunch with Brené Brown.