If you’re looking for a blog to shame, scare, guilt, or lecture yourself or your spouse into walking away from porn… you won’t find it here. Instead, what you will find is a safe place to figure out what you believe about porn and to think about whether or not you truly want it to be involved in your life and marriage.
Everyone is drawn to porn for different reasons; for some it is availability and boredom, for others it might be curiosity, and for a larger majority it might be an attempt to fill a deep void of loneliness or pain. However, in the same way that an orgasm between partners is most often the physical climax of emotional love, porn usage is most often the physical climax of emotional loneliness. So no matter what situation drew you to click on this link… I want to challenge you: Regardless of personal belief, please keep in mind that porn usage is not a good reason to blacklist someone you love from affection or to define them as a sick and twisted person who isn’t worthy of love, hope, or your help.
The person you know who uses porn is still a human being and shaming them has the potential to gridlock them into an addiction they may never get out of. Instead, consider viewing “porn use” as a valid, bright red flag that someone you love might be disconnected from reality and is choosing to bury or misplace their pain / loneliness / curiosity. Further, consider that responding with kindness and grace also offers you a chance to be a safe and open door for them to share what’s going on in their life without fear of rejection or shame.
Porn usage is rarely about the actual porn, but is instead usually about what it offers them that they feel they don’t already have. You need to figure out what that is, and then do your best to speak love into it.
If porn is negatively affecting your marriage, either by your own personal usage, or the usage of your spouse, here are 4 MYTHS about porn that the porn user might be buying into that you both need to be aware of:
MYTH #1: Porn fills the void of loneliness and allows me to “take care of myself”
FACT: Many people believe porn sets them free to take care of their own needs without relying on anyone else, but in actuality it shackles them to a different kind of dependence… and it’s not one that loves them back. Porn quiets that voice in their head that tells them to lean into their spouse during hard times, and it sparks a voice in their heart that says “you’re better off alone”. Sadly, porn doesn’t really fill the void of loneliness at all. Instead, it aids the user in taking care of an immediate sexual need while creating an even deeper emotional need underneath. It can even cause an individual to become so “sexually self-reliant” that some men even experience difficulty holding an erection and some women can’t be brought to orgasm when faced with an opportunity to engage in real sex with their partner.
MYTH #2: Porn doesn’t PHYSICALLY affect a porn user
FACT: Studies show that porn usage (comparatively) creates the same addictive cravings in the individuals who participate in it as drugs, alcohol, and tobacco do. Orgasms feel good! So when someone masturbates to porn and reaches that climax, their brain releases a dose of dopamine to act as a reward. That dopamine travels to the “reward center” in our brain, creating a “rush” or a “high”, letting us know that we have done a good job and that we should keep doing whatever we are doing. The more we do it, the more we crave it, until we retrain our brain all together to depend on porn to give us the “rush” or “high” we are looking for. When this pattern becomes extreme (constant and excessive), it turns into an addiction. Scientifically, what we know about addiction is that at some point, what you start out with becomes too “soft” or “weak” and before you know it you begin to crave something more aggressive, harder, or stronger. That kind of chemical crave and acceleration rarely, if ever, stops on its own. If not kept in check, you might imagine how it can quickly become very dangerous.
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MYTH #3: Porn still holds a social stigma
FACT: Most TV shows and movies above PG-13 these days show some version of soft porn and even use their main characters to make porn a normal, everyday sexual experience. As an audience of media, we need to be careful with what we allow our entertainment to tell us is “normal” and “okay”. Porn is not a healthy manifestation of love and it’s not a noble escape from a painful or lonely reality, either. And yet, we are being “sold” on it; taught to believe it’s perfectly safe, even though there can be many negative consequences.
MYTH #4: My porn usage isn’t hurting anyone else
FACT: Even if your spouse or partner doesn’t know about your use of porn, they might still experience the effects of it. Studies show that those who use porn in secret are often more emotionally distant and unavailable, have a more difficult time engaging in intimacy, and often exhibit more selfish behaviors. Spouses of porn users are often just as lonely as the users themselves. Further, studies have shown that porn can actually cause an individual to diminish, suppress, or damage the importance of the commitment they made to their spouse and can make them truly believe the “right next step” is to turn their fake reality into a tangible reality through one or multiple affairs. As if that isn’t enough, most spouses even report that upon finding out their spouse has been viewing porn, their first gut instinct response is to feel “betrayed” or “cheated on”. Please, deeply consider if those are events you want to invite into your marriage and your life? Is it worth the risk?
No matter what side of this topic you’re on, I want to have a heart-to-heart with you:
IF YOUR SPOUSE IS VIEWING PORN—> You have a right to feel hurt, angry, and even betrayed about your spouse choosing to interact with porn instead of you. That’s valid pain and I’m so sorry you’re feeling it. However, I want to make sure you are careful with what you do with that hurt and anger. Keep in mind that shame deepens anxiety in the other person and creates an unsafe environment to share candidly, so if your instant response is shame and explosive anger, it will be that much harder to help your spouse feel safe to reenter reality and deal with what’s really going on in front of them. So before discussing your anger and hurt (though you absolutely should at some point), try to ask your spouse to help you understand what draws them to porn and see if you can figure out what’s going on inside of them first.
IF YOU ARE VIEWING PORN —> There may be a dozen different reasons why you’re viewing porn. You might have never even stopped to think about if viewing porn has been a help or a hindrance in your marriage and that’s okay. But now is the time! Maybe you’re hurting, maybe you’re lonely or bored or curious. The biggest myth that I care most about is knowing that porn offers pleasure and a lot of it, but it’s empty. There’s no emotional connection, there’s no touch, there are no feelings of love, trust or acceptance. Over time, viewing porn can become a very damaging and lonely habit if not addressed. I would, if you could, check in with your spouse and make sure that you two are sharing, talking, and even expressing your concerns and desires in your marriage. What matters most at the end of the day is that your marriage is healthy and thriving! Day by day, little by little, choose the real-love you have in your partner over the psuedo-love you think you can create for yourself. You’re better together and you need each other to make it through.
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Written by Anna Collins
Anna Collins lives in sunny Southern California with her husband and two children. She is passionate about her marriage, staying at home with her kids, writing, coffee, good conversation, and game night. Her life dream is to someday write a book and see it published.
