Casey and I went on a double date with this couple we’ve known for a while and while we were at dinner, we noticed that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
They were affectionate, and tender, and romantic, and seemed very genuine. It was extremely surprising since they’ve been married for almost 18 years. Of course we asked the question that we ask every one of our friends: “So, what’s the secret to having a happy marriage?” Within seconds they both said “Great sex!”
We all started laughing, but my first thought was: Really? Come on guys. Not communication? Not forgiveness? What about respect? Really… sex?! Please explain this to us. By the end of our evening, they had opened up about how their sex life is what fuels their communication, friendship, and everything else.
Here are some tips they shared with us that we wanted to pass along
They aren’t sexually selfish
Newsflash: Sex isn’t about what you can get from it! If you go into the bedroom thinking only of yourself, then you might be what we call a ‘“selfish lover”. Sex should be a way for you and your spouse to express your love for each other. Good married sex means that both of you are left feeling desired and pleased.
They have high levels of trust and respect
Because sex is such an intimate expression of love, couples who feel safe and can trust each other with their thoughts, feelings, and ideas respect each other in and out of the bedroom. (And, as an added bonus, being naked and fully vulnerable during sex builds that trust and respect. Win-win!)
They embrace their imperfections
Couples who have great sex look past the unwanted hair, the stretch marks, the razor burn, the cellulite, and the wrinkles. They love their spouse for more than just their physical appearance. Plus, they know what to focus on… all the good physical and emotional qualities.
They don’t rely on being in the mood
Couples who have great sex realize that sex is essentially like “physical communication”. Instead of using your mouth to verbally communicate, though you are probably using your mouth for plenty of other things, sex is a physical way to use your body to communicate to your spouse “I love you”, “you’re sexy to me” and “I trust you”.
So, in the same way your spouse needs to hear “I love you” even when you’re not in the mood to say it, sometimes they need sex to communicate that love on a deeper level, even when you aren’t in the mood.
DISCLAIMER: Sex should never be forced on you and you should never force sex on your spouse. By ‘not in the mood’ we mean “I’m really tired and don’t feel like it”. Sex should always be consensual.
They talk about their sexual likes and dislikes
You’ve heard a very common phrase that communication is key to having a great marriage. Well, communication is also key to having mind-blowing sex! If you’re having to make assumptions and guessing where and how your spouse likes to be touched, you both will be left with a lot of disappointments. Our friends clearly talk about their sexual likes and dislikes and have improved their technique because of their open communication.
They make the most of quickies
Sometimes there are seasons of life (new baby, career change, moving to a new house) where you only have 5 minutes to get it on, and 5 minutes is better than nothing. Couples who are highly sexual have healthy boundaries with their time so they can reserve enough passion for their spouse. In fact, they take advantage of every “We’ve got 5 minutes!” they can.
Sex doesn’t define their relationship
Couples who have made sex the biggest focal point of their relationship will be quickly disappointed if they go through a season where there isn’t much intimacy. Sex is an incredible way to connect, but it cannot be the only thing. Our friends do an excellent job at going on weekly date nights, being playful with one another, talking about their day, and also dealing with their issues head-on.
In all honesty, Casey and I do not have the perfect sex life. I’m not even sure we would consider ourselves highly sexual people. Okay, well maybe Casey is, but I think it’s our goal to be intimate as much as we can. But this I know for sure: couples who have a lot of sex, and it’s hot sex with tons of passion, are constantly working on their emotional connection.
Never forget that physical intimacy is born from emotional intimacy.
Has your sex life become predictable, non-existent, infrequent, or just boring? Take our 4-week online course Reignite Your Sexual Intimacy, or become a member of Marriage365 and receive this course as part of your membership.
Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in Orange County California with her husband Casey and their two children. She loves the beach, dance parties, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life-long dream is to walk the Camino, have lunch with Brené Brown and get on The Price is Right.