Why is sex so complicated sometimes?!
I think it’s a common misconception that sex is supposed to be the “easy” and “fun” part about marriage. That would be amazing, wouldn’t it?! If it was always carefree and full of pleasure, without any kind of expectations or negative feelings involved? I think a small part of each of us believes this is how sex is supposed to be in marriage, and we may even find ourselves disappointed to find out that it isn’t.
I think this happens because life starts to take over –work, kids, chores, grocery shopping, sports practice, hobbies… you name it!
If you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy!
The truth is that sex, like all other facets of marriage, takes work. You have to be willing to be present during it, to fight for it, and to allow it to take precedent over your to-do list. If you are finding yourself busy and without much time for sex, here are 4 ways to help you make it a priority:
Figure out what you can say no to so that you can say yes to sex
I want you to write down your entire weekly schedule on paper. Yes, I’m serious. Write it out on paper (or get a family planning calendar like this one, here). Write down where everybody is at any given point during the day and see what available time you and your spouse actually do have to make time for sex. If you can’t find any time at all, then you need to figure out what you can say NO to so that you can say YES to sex. Make up a code name for it and put it on the calendar! We use NAP time, which stands for Naughty And Playful!
Be vocal about your needs
If you’re feeling like sex isn’t a priority in your marriage and that has caused you to feel sad, lonely, unfulfilled, or unimportant… then it’s your responsibility to speak up about it and share that with your spouse! They may have no clue you feel that way, or they may feel the same way that you do. Whatever the scenario, it’s time to have an open and honest conversation in your marriage about your sexual needs and preferences. You won’t be fully satisfied unless you’re on the same page! Be sure to watch your tone and attitude when starting the conversation.
Take turns focusing on each other
If time is an issue for you then try taking turns. It sounds a little crazy, but it is a lifesaver for your love life. It works like this: one night focus on one partner, then the next time you have time, focus on the other! The goal here is not selfishness or making sure your needs are met, it’s actually the opposite. It’s making sure both of you get to experience the fulfillment and pleasure you’re looking for while also getting the joy of pleasuring your partner without the pressure of a time limit.
Spends several hours a week on emotional connection
Did you know that sexual intimacy actually starts through emotional intimacy?! It’s true! The more time that you spend investing in each other emotionally during the week, the better your sexual experience with one another will be! We wrote a book for this very purpose, so if you haven’t picked up a copy of 365 Connection Questions for Couples yet, we highly recommend ordering one so that you can ask one connecting question every day and experience more connection than ever before. (There are tons of questions about sex too!)
You NEED to talk about sex. If that’s a struggle for you, here are some connecting questions to start the conversation:
When I make you a priority, how does that make you feel?
What are some things/people that have taken precedence over making sex a priority?
What boundaries do we need to put in place with some of the above areas we circled?
What is one thing you’d like to do less of and why? How can I help you in this process?
Which day of the week is best for us to have some down time so we can recharge?
If you’re needing to reignite your sexual intimacy, start our 4 week ONLINE course now
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in Orange County, California with her husband Casey and their two children. She loves the beach, dance parties, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life-long dream is to walk the Camino, have lunch with Brené Brown, and get on The Price is Right.