Let’s get real—conflict in marriage? It’s bound to happen. But here’s the good news: while conflict is inevitable, combat doesn’t have to be. Conflict resolution in marriage is possible.
Think of your relationship like a safety net. Ever see those trapeze artists at the circus? They make daring moves, but they’re secure because they’ve got a net below them. In marriage, our commitment to each other is that safety net. It’s what reminds us that no single argument is going to destroy our relationship. If you don’t feel that safety net in place, it’s time to revisit your commitment and make sure both of you feel secure.
Now, how can you deal with conflict without slipping into combat mode? Let me walk you through some simple steps that have worked for my wife and I — because trust me, we’ve been there!
Recognize the “Leaning” States in Your Relationship
In marriage, we tend to go through three emotional states:
- Leaning In: You’re connected, communicating, and feel close to your spouse.
- Leaning Away: You’re starting to pull back, either emotionally or physically.
- Leaning Against: You’re gearing up for a fight, ready to defend yourself.
To resolve conflict in a healthy way, you want to stay in the “Leaning In” zone. If you’re already “Leaning Away” or “Leaning Against,” it’s harder to listen, harder to communicate, and way harder to solve the issue at hand.
Practical step: When you notice you’re in “Leaning Away” or “Leaning Against,” take a time-out. It’s okay to hit pause. Go for a walk, take some deep breaths, or even just agree to revisit the conversation when emotions are calmer.
Accept That Some Problems Won’t Be Solved
Here’s the reality: not every issue in your marriage is going to be wrapped up in a neat little bow. 69% of marital problems are recurring. That’s right—most of your arguments will probably pop up more than once. The trick isn’t to solve every single problem, but to learn how to manage them together.
Practical step: When an issue comes up that you know isn’t solvable, focus on understanding your partner’s feelings instead of trying to “fix” it. Ask open-ended questions like, “Why is this important to you?” or “What would help you feel better about this?” Conflict resolution is more about understanding than winning.
Prioritize Compromise Over Combat
Marriage isn’t about one person winning and the other person losing. It’s about both of you finding a middle ground that makes your relationship stronger. Compromise is key. It’s not about giving up what you want but finding a way to meet in the middle that honors both of you.
Practical step: Next time you’re stuck in a disagreement, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do to move us toward a solution?” It might mean bending a little or giving up something small in the name of peace. Remember, you’re both on the same team!
Remember: happily ever after doesn’t just happen—it’s built with love, communication, and a whole lot of grace. Conflict resolution in marriage is possible. You’ve got this!
