How To Know If Your Spouse Is Cheating

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Nobody wants to believe that their spouse is or could be cheating on them.

However, it does happen and there are signs  that you need to be aware of. We don’t want to create any fear or encourage you to believe that your spouse IS cheating, but if it is something you’re suspicious of, we want you to have some real and tangible red flags to look for.

Extreme Obsession with ‘Technology Privacy’

If your spouse is hiding their phone from you or always texting with the screen intentionally pointed away from you, refusing to share passwords to any technology or social media if asked, or are locking the door when they are on the computer  it’s time to get curious about WHY. Each person has a right to some level of privacy, but being aggressive and unwavering ABOUT that right, in this case, with your spouse, is cause for concern.

Frequently letting you know they suddenly have to “work late”

Salaried employees usually have a pretty routine schedule with work or are at least given a heads up if something will change and hourly employees are often given their schedule up to 2 weeks in advance. Changes in schedule DO happen, but frequently having to “work late” or “leave the house to check on work” when it’s out of the norm is something to pay close attention to. Further, if your spouse seems to be struggling to come up with a reasonable and logical explanation as to WHY they had to work so late or go help a friend,  we would consider that a red flag, as well.

Note: In our ONLINE AFFAIR RECOVERY COURSE, we go in-depth about workplace affairs

Sudden change in drive for emotional or physical connection with you

Sometimes a sudden change in sex drive or lack of emotional intimacy is due to stress, a big life event, devastating news, a decline in mental heath, or other explainable and understandable factors. However, if there seems to be nothing out of the ordinary going on and your spouse suddenly doesn’t want to engage in emotional or sexual intimacy with you, there IS a reason why and it’s important for you to carefully, but assertively address it, as there is a real possibility they could be getting that fulfillment from somebody else.

Being obsessively protective about a certain “friend” of the opposite sex

Everyone has a different idea about whether or not married men and women can have close, personal friends of the opposite sex, but even still… the truth is that if your spouse is beholden to a particular friendship and swears up and down they’re “just friends”, despite your attempts to speak to your discomfort of the nature of their relationship… that is a major red flag. YOUR feelings should come first and if you’re approaching your spouse about a friendship they have that is making you uncomfortable, that should matter to your spouse.

Note: In our ONLINE AFFAIR RECOVERY COURSE, we address this behavior of making excuses and being protective of a particular friendship being the most common sign in emotional affairs.

Difference in Hygiene or Physical Appearance

If your spouse strangely leaves the house in different clothes than they came home in , smells like soap you don’t have in your home, smells like perfume or cologne that isn’t yours, has lipstick stains or bite marks that you didn’t leave, new expensive possessions you didn’t purchase or know about being purchased, or seems to obsessively and compulsively shower before they let you close to them (and that isn’t normal)… it’s time to open your eyes and start seeing if there are any other signs, as well.

Extreme response to a simple question

If you ask your spouse about where they were or what they did when they were gone and their response to you is to suddenly get extremely angry, defensive, or over explanatory… this is a red flag that they are keeping something pretty close to the chest and aren’t happy that you are touching on the subject. There’s no reason for anger or defensiveness in either body language OR tone when simply asked “where were you?” or “what did you and so-and-so do together?”

**Disclaimer: If your spouse is showing any of these signs, please note we are not saying that they are DEFINITELY having an affair. However, what we ARE saying is that these are red flags we have seen in couples we’ve worked with who have gone through affairs and in any light they are each a cause to have a conversation about why disconnection is taking place between you.

Here are 6 questions you need to ask yourself as you are considering these red flags:

1. While reading this blog, did any of these red flags give me a gross feeling in the pit of my stomach or make me feel triggered? 

2. Have we been disconnected emotionally and/or physically in the last few months? 

3. Have we been making our marriage a priority in the last 6 months? Why or why not?

4. Are there any behaviors my spouse has been displaying that I’ve been ignoring or making excuses for? 

5. Is there anything my gut or my head is trying to tell me that I need to allow into my heart?

6. Has my spouse shown any signs that they have felt lonely or disconnected in the last year?


Check out our online Affair Recovery Course



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2 thoughts on “How To Know If Your Spouse Is Cheating”

  1. All but 2. I have confronted him many of times and denys and denys… I have ask to see his phone and Facebook. His response is why will it make you feel better. Or is this going to be something you are going to ask to see every day. I am mentally tired. we haven’t had sex on over a year. I’m to the point I don’t care but I do. I feel like roommates witha child together his maid. He makes me crazy and I know I’m not. I have a right to ask. Like I tell him if I knew you thought I was cheating on you. I would prove all day everyday till you felt like you could trust me. He just don’t care anymore. Its been 2 and glad years since I found out he was having affsir. We have done counciling. But he lied the whole time. He will not considered it anymore. I have so much anger towards him and no I don’t trust. But I’m tryin to hard to hang on for my daughter. But I miss my husband and he knows it. But all he says is I try better. And nothing!!. So I’m just working on me and taking care of my daughter and trying to keep being a better wife. Hopefully hings will turn

    1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like he isn’t invested in your marriage and that makes me sad because you deserve someone who is going to show up for you and put in effort to keep your marriage healthy, just like you are doing! Marriage takes TWO healthy and committed individuals to make it work. You cannot do it alone!

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