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How to Love Your Snoring Spouse

OR: Marriage & Sleep Apnea – because snoring is annoying and love at 2:30am is hard.

Sleep apnea is the bane of my existence. Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic… but it is pretty close to how I really feel. My husband snores louder than a freight train and I am not exaggerating when I say that if he is asleep, you’ll know it because you can hear him from literally every single corner of my house; through every wall, under every pillow, through every ear plug on the market.

I love my husband unconditionally and with all of my heart, but I have found that unconditional becomes a lot more difficult at 2:47 am when you’re exhausted and just want to sleep… and even more important. If this at all sounds familiar to you, here are 3 tips, from my personal experience, to help:

1. Remember What Is True

As your spouse was forming in their mother’s womb… they did not intentionally choose to be a loud snorer so that they could maliciously keep you up all night. They just didn’t. In fact, they had no control over that particular character trait. Sleep apnea is something they have… not something they are. So, when you’re laying awake at night, growing more bitter by the second that your spouse is deeply asleep and you aren’t, remember that they love you and more importantly, that you love them. Pro-Tip: As you lay there, think in your head about all of the reasons why you are thankful for your spouse… it’s really hard, but it really helps!

2. Always Start In The Same Bed

No matter how tempting it is to sleep in separate bedrooms for the sake of sleep, make sure you always start out in the same bed together. Honestly, playing “musical beds” in the night when you have a spouse that snores seems pretty normal to me. And, in my opinion, sleep is really important, so if one of you ends up in a different bed or on the couch at some point in the middle of the night to get some sleep, well, I hear you. However, when you start off in different beds it sends a silent message that there is a wedge between you, and that kind of an emotional and physical wedge only grows bigger. I unfortunately learned this the hard way and am still repairing some of the emotional damage I did by insisting on sleeping in the guest room because “you snore loud and I can’t sleep next to you”. You’re a team!

3. Connect emotionally and physically as often as possible

Emotional and physical connection are very important when it comes to boosting connection between you and your spouse, especially if you’re not sleeping side-by-side all night. So make extra time for connecting questions and for lots of sex to reassure one another that the flame between you is still burning and very much alive. Do what you have to do to get sleep at night so that you can function, but don’t sacrifice intimacy in your marriage to do it!

Some bonus tips:

Invest in a really good pair of ear plugs.

Turn on some ambient music that might distract you from the sounds of the snoring.

Get good at apologizing (if you’re the one doing all of the snoring) and remember that even though you’re not intentionally keeping them up, showing compassion shows you care!  


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