Most spouses don’t wake up planning to hurt each other.
Usually, the pain in marriage comes from stress, insecurities, or past wounds – not from malice. Things like shutting down, snapping in anger, or being defensive are often unintentional and can be worked through with better tools, patience, and forgiveness.
But here’s the hard truth: sometimes the hurt is intentional. These behaviors are not “normal marriage struggles.” They are deliberate choices meant to punish, manipulate, or control – and they should never be tolerated.
Here are 8 intentional ways your spouse may be hurting you:
1. The Silent Treatment
Purposefully withholding communication, love, or attention to punish your spouse is emotional manipulation. This isn’t about needing space – it’s a tool of control and cruelty.
2. Mocking
Using sarcasm or jokes to embarrass or belittle your spouse isn’t funny – it’s disrespectful and damaging. Mocking erodes trust and love.
3. Withholding Affection
Refusing hugs, kindness, or tenderness out of spite is weaponizing love. Affection should never be used as punishment.
4. Sexual Avoidance
Dodging intimacy (like pretending to be asleep) to punish your spouse or exert control isn’t the same as sexual rejection – it’s purposeful avoidance. This behavior signals deeper issues and may require professional coaching.
5. Name-Calling
Harsh, degrading words during conflict can cut deeper than actions. Name-calling undermines self-worth and leaves lasting wounds.
6. Pushing Buttons
When you know your spouse’s triggers but intentionally provoke them to get a reaction, it’s not playful – it’s cruel. Healthy couples respect each other’s sensitivities.
7. Ignoring Needs
Knowing what your spouse deeply needs – comfort, encouragement, support – and deliberately withholding it is hurtful neglect. Love means showing up, not shutting down.
8. Controlling Through Money
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce, but using finances as punishment or restricting access to control your spouse destroys trust and partnership.
Why This Matters
Unintentional hurt in marriage can be healed with grace, forgiveness, and practical tools. But intentional harm is abuse – and it’s never okay. If you notice these patterns, it’s time to set clear boundaries and have an honest conversation.
Respect and love cannot grow in an environment of punishment, control, and manipulation. If you need help navigating this, reach out to one of our online coaches. We’ll walk with you as you take the next steps toward a healthier relationship.
Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in sunny Southern California with her husband Casey, their two children, and dog Hobie. She loves her family, the beach, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life long dream is to live with the Amish for a month, walk the Camino, and have lunch with Brené Brown.
