My husband and I met 11 years ago through mutual friends, and you could say we were each at different stages of our lives when we met. Although there was a bit of reluctance to meet at first, within 2 weeks I knew he was something special. After a year of dating, we got engaged and have been married for 7 years now. Our first years of marriage were amazing… I think mostly because we had really gotten to know one another during our dating and engaged years, and I knew what I wanted. 

You know how they say to not make a lot of major life changes all at once? Well… we did! We moved to a new state, bought a business, and essentially changed careers all at the same time.  As you can imagine all the changes had an impact on our marriage, and for the first time we didn’t know what to do to work through it. I saw my husband feeling stressed and I had no clue how to help him. He is an Enneagram 1 (I have to do this perfectly) and I am an Enneagram 7 (it’s all going to be ok), and the way I wanted to help him was not the way he needed to be helped. 

I had joined Marriage365 about a year prior to all of this because I love self-help, not because there was marriage trouble. But with all that was going on in our lives, this turned out to be a resource that could help us with what we were going through. My husband is an avoider and I knew from the start that he wouldn’t be interested in doing membership with me, not because he wasn’t invested in our marriage but because he had a really negative experience with therapy as a child and felt it caused fighting.

So I do membership by myself, and in the beginning my husband asked me, “Why are you doing this? Is something wrong?” My answer was “Not at all!” As I said already, I love self-help. I believe in learning as much as I can and modeling what I have learned. I have been diligent in learning and demonstrating the 4-Step Apology with him – and not too long ago out of nowhere, he gave one to me. Without even watching the video, he had learned from my example how to give one. 

One of the most helpful things I have learned is how to look at my husband through eyes of compassion. I’ve chosen to do this. I want to understand why he does what he does. I am so much less reactive and defensive too. I get why he doesn’t want to do membership with me, and I don’t shame him for that – that would just push him away. 

Meygan asked me what I would tell someone who’s struggling and here’s what I would say… If you’re struggling, find a friend (not a family member) who is HEALTHY that can be your sounding board, someone you can speak openly to, and who will call you out on stuff. Learn how you show up in your marriage and put the responsibility on yourself for change. Stop expecting your spouse to change, it’s about YOU. Don’t put expectations on your spouse, put them on yourself. 

My marriage has changed in so many ways I didn’t expect. I have changed in ways I didn’t expect. I have learned to accept my weaknesses and be OK with them. I have learned how to be empathetic. I have learned how to listen and how to ask more questions. I’ve learned to appreciate the fact that my husband and I are opposites and to love those qualities that make us different. I used to be very defensive. Old me would have snapped at something my husband would question or ask – “new membership me” will ask him what am I doing that made you feel that way. There is no more blame ping-pong. We can have conversations that are NOT rooted in blame, defensiveness, and arguing.

The bond I share with my husband is stronger than it ever has been. I have worked on myself, and as a result he has worked on himself. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort. 

MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT MEMBERSHIP IS…The audio-only feature. I find myself multitasking and listening to the videos instead of watching them. I’m a big podcast person so I love that you guys have the audio only option.