Overcoming Resentment in Marriage

In the words of Casey, “Resentment is a prism.”

It can distort your perception, overshadowing the good in your life and relationship, while magnifying pain. Resentment is a powerful emotion that can significantly impact a marriage, leading to feelings of disempowerment, blindness to positive aspects of the relationship, and an overwhelming sense of injustice.

The Root Causes of Resentment

Resentment in marriage often stems from three key factors:

1. Boundary Violations: Whether spoken or unspoken, intentional or unintentional, when boundaries are crossed, it can lead to feelings of anger and frustration. For example, if one partner repeatedly dismisses the other’s opinions, it can create a sense of disrespect and devaluation, which breeds resentment.
2. Feelings of Helplessness: When a partner feels powerless to prevent or address a painful situation, resentment can take root. This helplessness might manifest as thoughts like, “How could I have let this happen?” or “Why can’t I make them understand?”
3. Fear of Incompetence: The realization that you need to take uncomfortable actions to prevent further pain can also contribute to resentment. This might involve setting firmer boundaries or confronting difficult issues in the relationship, which can be daunting.

These factors combine to create a “recipe for resentment,” leading to internal dialogues like, “This isn’t fair,” and emotional responses such as sadness, grief, hopelessness, anger, betrayal, and regret.

The Impact of Resentment on Marriage

When left unaddressed, resentment can poison a marriage. It often leads to keeping score, holding grudges, and living in unforgiveness. Over time, the negative emotions associated with resentment can overshadow the positive aspects of the relationship, making it difficult to see the good in one’s partner. As a result, couples may find themselves drifting apart, with resentment becoming a significant barrier to connection and intimacy.

Practical Steps to Overcome Resentment

Overcoming resentment in marriage requires intentional effort, humility, and a commitment to forgiveness. Here are some practical tips, drawing on advice from Marriage365 and other credible sources:

1. Acknowledge the Resentment: The first step in overcoming resentment is to acknowledge its presence. Denying or minimizing these feelings will only allow them to fester. Couples should openly discuss their feelings of resentment in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
2. Communicate Openly: Effective communication is key to resolving resentment. Partners should express their feelings honestly, focusing on “I” statements rather than blaming the other person. For example, “I feel hurt when my opinions are dismissed” is more constructive than “You never listen to me.”
3. Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for preventing future resentment. Partners should discuss and agree on what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, ensuring that both feel valued and respected.
4. Practice Forgiveness: As Meygan from Marriage365 emphasizes, “the opposite of resentment is forgiveness.” Forgiveness is not about condoning hurtful behavior but about freeing oneself from the burden of resentment. It allows for healing and the restoration of trust in the relationship.
5. Focus on the Positive: To counteract the negative effects of resentment, couples should make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. This might involve regularly expressing gratitude, recalling shared joyful moments, and actively nurturing the connection between partners.
6. Seek Professional Help: If resentment has deeply rooted itself in the marriage, seeking the help of a marriage counselor or coach can be invaluable. Professionals can provide tools and strategies for overcoming resentment, rebuilding trust, and strengthening the relationship.

Real-Life Examples

In Marriage365’s course on dealing with resentment, cofounders Casey & Meygan share their personal experiences of how resentment nearly led them to divorce. They candidly discuss the energy, effort, and intentionality required to move from a place of bitterness to a deeply connected and loving marriage. Their journey highlights the importance of humility, forgiveness, and continuous work on the relationship.

Moving Forward

Resentment doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage. With the right tools and mindset, couples can disempower resentment and reclaim their relationship. By addressing the root causes, communicating openly, setting boundaries, practicing forgiveness, and focusing on the positive, couples can overcome resentment and build a stronger, more resilient marriage. For those who feel overwhelmed by resentment, Marriage365 offers resources, courses, and coaching to guide couples on their journey toward healing and connection. Taking the first step to address resentment can lead to a healthier, happier marriage where both partners feel valued and loved.

Written by Anna Collins

Anna Collins lives in California with her husband and four children. She is passionate about her marriage, staying at home with her kids, writing, coffee, good conversation, and game night. Her life dream is to someday write a book and see it published.