Call us crazy, but we thought we were going to set a record for gettin’ it on when we got married.
I’m sure there was an expectation we were aiming for a gold medal in the sex department. But as time passed, more responsibilities, longer hours at the office, shuttling kids between activities, training a puppy… it just seemed we were too tired for sex. How in the world could this even be?!
Sex is this special secret language between two lovers and there’s a whole lot of not talking, if you get my drift, for so many marriages. If you are finding yourself lacking in the sex department because work and life is keeping you too busy, here are some tips to get on the same page.
Start asking for what you want instead of complaining about what you don’t have.
We cannot stress this enough…tell your spouse how you like to connect physically and emotionally and what turns you on. They are not mind readers. Be specific and very explicit. Do not sit there silently or verbally protesting about the problems, rather in love, communicate early and often. (And be sure to ask the connecting questions below)
Quality over quantity is most important.
Some couples are content with having sex once a week while others prefer 3-5 times per week. What matters is that you’re both enjoying it and connecting on a deeper level. Quality is the key when it comes to sex! Try things like making eye contact when you orgasm, affirm each other on their looks, and spend time snuggling afterwards.
Take a day off of work.
Sometimes, the only thing your sex life and marriage need is the gift of TIME. And if work has become the main focus, taking up all of your energy, then you need to be able to take a day off and enjoy being intimate with your spouse. Spend the entire day in bed talking, laughing and exploring each others bodies.
Look at your emotional connection, not just your physical.
If you’re having a hard time building physical intimacy, be sure to find ways to improve your emotional intimacy. Go on date nights, take frequent walks, ask open ended questions, stay curious about each other. Invest in your marriage, by picking up a great book to read together, or sign up for a marriage retreat.
Pay attention to your stress levels.
Stress is the number one libido killer and if you’re working long hours and giving all of your time and energy to your career, it will directly impact your sex life. The last thing any of us wants to do after a hard days work is to gather up the energy for a romp in the sack. But know that sex not only relieves stress but is also an incredible way to express your love for each other.
Stop making excuses.
We make time for the things that matter most in life. If you’re not in the mood because you’re too tired from working so much, then start saying no to things so you can have enough energy for your sex life. Show your spouse you care by making the time to be intimate.
Now it’s time to connecting on a deeper level by going through THE questions below. Be naked (Emotionally… but clothing is optional, too.), be honest, and listen with empathy.
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Do you think either of us ever makes excuses to not have sex? Why or why not?
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How often do you prefer for us to be sexual?
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Which of these things that have gotten in the way of making sex a priority?
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Hobbies
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Social media
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Work
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Screen time/phone
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Binge-watching Netflix
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Extended family
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Gaming
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Working out
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The kids
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Addictions
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Church
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Kids sports / extra curricular activities
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Friendships
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Volunteering (PTA, social events, church, kids sports)
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Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in Orange County, California with her husband Casey and their two children. She loves the beach, dance parties, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life-long dream is to walk the Camino, have lunch with Brené Brown, and get on The Price is Right.
