It all started with a question.
“Hi, what’s your name?” a cute guy asked me at a coffee shop one random day 23 years ago. “I’m Casey.” One question led to another, and we ended up chatting for a while that evening. There was instant chemistry. You know the feeling—butterflies in your stomach, heart all aflutter, can’t-take-your-eyes-off-each-other kind of excitement. We both fell hard and started dating shortly after. I still remember those dating years and how easy it was to spend hours lost in conversation. I wanted to know everything about Casey. Where he grew up, what his family was like, what his career aspirations were. I even wanted to know silly things like how he found out there was no Santa Claus. He could hardly give a wrong answer; I found each one fascinating. There’s nothing like that rush of early love when you’re eager to learn everything about someone you adore. Fast forward to the 10th year of our marriage and I was sick of him asking me the same 3 questions…
“How was your day?”
“What’s for dinner?”
“Do you want to have sex?” lol
I felt like we were in this slump where we wanted to connect but we just didn’t have new and fresh things to talk about. The curiosity we once had seemed to be dwindling away and then it hit me…What if I had a list of open-ended questions that we could take turns asking each other on date nights, or our walks around the block? So I compiled about 20 or so questions and we started going through them and you know what happened? Connection. Curiosity. Love. Laughter. Insight. And more romance. I know we were onto something. We ended up writing an entire year’s worth (and a bunch of bonus questions) in our revised and updated book 365 Connecting Questions for Couples.
What Are Open-Ended Questions?
Before I dive into the whys and example questions, let’s get clear on what open-ended questions are. Unlike yes-or-no questions or those that lead to a simple answer, open-ended questions encourage a fuller response and invite more conversation. They often begin with “how,” “what,” or “tell me about,” and they’re designed to get your partner thinking and sharing more deeply.
Why They Matter
- Encourage Vulnerability and Honesty: When you ask open-ended questions, you’re inviting your spouse to open up in a way that yes/no questions don’t. It’s like handing them a key to a more intimate part of their world. This vulnerability fosters trust and a deeper emotional connection.
- Discover New Things: Even if you’ve been together for years, there’s always more to learn about your partner. Open-ended questions help peel back the layers and reveal new facets of their personality, desires, and dreams.
- Enhance Communication: Open-ended questions shift the focus from problem-solving to exploring thoughts and feelings. This can transform conversations from merely functional to more meaningful, paving the way for better understanding and empathy.
- Strengthen your Connection: As you delve into these deeper conversations, you’ll find yourselves more aligned, more connected, and more attuned to each other’s needs and experiences.
- Show you care: Taking the time and asking an open-ended question communicates that you care about your spouse’s dreams, hopes, feelings, and perspectives. And as you approach your questions with genuine curiosity, they will feel loved and listened to.
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8 Examples of Open-Ended Questions
- Do you consider yourself an open book or more of a private person? Were you always this way?
- When it comes to the differences in our personality traits, how do those differences impact our communication? (Examples: introverts and extroverts, optimistic and pessimistic, thinker and feeler.)
- How did you find out there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy?
- When it comes to your sex drive, do you feel like you have a high, average, or low libido, and why?
- How does stress affect your body? How do you think it affects our relationship?
- What made you agree to go on our first date?
- Do you think our upbringings and how we saw our parents communicate were similar or different? How do you think that affects us today?
- Growing up, did your family encourage and value therapy? Why do you think that was?
Bringing it into your daily life, no matter how busy you are.
Integrate open-ended questions into your daily routine. Whether it’s during dinner, a walk, or just a quiet moment together, make it a habit to ask questions that foster deeper conversation. Remember, the journey to a deeper connection starts with a simple question.
Pick up a copy of our book 365 Connecting Questions for Couples which you can find on Amazon, Walmart, Target, Barnes and Noble and more. Now through December 3rd when you preorder this book you will receive the following bonuses: Digital Romance Revival Bundle including our video How to Beat Bedroom Boredom, 30 Date Night Bonus Questions, and immediate access to our masterclass – Quickest Way to Connect with your Spouse. But remember, these bonuses go away December 3rd, 2024 so preorder your copy now.
Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in sunny Southern California with her husband Casey, their two children, and dog Hobie. She loves her family, the beach, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life long dream is to live with the Amish for a month, walk the Camino, and have lunch with Brené Brown.
